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Spike/Dawn - Game 1 - Post 11 - Holding On To Forever
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auburnhaze1
Spike/Dawn - Game 1 - Post 11
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~~~~~


”Dawn, I can fix this, just make him forget.” Andrew pleads once more.

I look from Spike to Andrew and back again.

“Grrrrr…..” I growl as I push away from Spike.

Though he’s trying his hardest to catch my arm and pull me back to him, I manage to squirm away. I’m going to regret this, I know I am.

“Forget about this Spike. Fall asleep on the coach where you sit for about an hour, and just wake up thinking it was all a dream. What happened between us, though very real feeling was just a dream for you.”

As I shrug back into my shirt, I eye Andrew angrily. This wasn’t what I wanted, not even close. I had finally gotten confirmation that Spike has feelings for me, beyond those of “big brother” and then I can’t even act on them.

I look over at Spike, his eyes are closed, and he’s taking un-needed breaths while he sleeps.

“You can fix this? You’re sure about that?” I ask.

Yes and yes. I found the right spell as soon as I got home, rushed back over here to tell you, but guess I was a little…”

“You were a little nothing. He finally admitted that he has feelings for me too, without any hocus pocus on my part. Then you come busting in and now I’m back to square one!”

Andrew shrugs. I don’t think he’s too disappointed that he interrupted us. I’m not sure if that’s because he doesn’t want *me* involved with Spike or *Spike* involved with me.

“Fine. Let’s get started before he wakes up,” I bite out.
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Comments
spike_survives From: spike_survives Date: September 5th, 2006 04:07 pm (UTC) (Link)
"You son of a bitch!" I shout at Andrew, while I try to grab Dawn fleeing from my lap.

I wake up on the couch. I still hurt all over from the beating I took earlier. That's not the worst part. The worst part is the dream. The vivid memory causes me to panic. I'm disgusted with myself. I was kissing... and pawing... and sucking the nipples... and God, I had my fingers inside her. I double over and throw up. I'm sick. I'm a sick animal. She's just a little girl. The memory losses. Did I do anything to her during the blackouts? I'd like to say I would've remembered, but my experience with the First tells me otherwise.

I can't be in the same house with her. She's not safe. I have to get out before I do anything to her. I'm running out the door before I can change my mind. The last thing I heard in the house, were two voice mumbling upstairs. I can smell Andrew, and I hope she's with him. I can't afford to go upstairs to check. I run into the street, desperate to find some place to spend the next day.
From: auburnhaze1 Date: September 5th, 2006 04:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
Andrew and I are almost finished chanting the spell to remove the “curse” I’ve put on myself when I hear the front door slam. When I utter the last word, I glance down at my watch, and see that the hour I’d suggested Spike sleep was now over. He must have freaked and headed out for the night.

I can only pray to the Powers That Be now, that Andrew’s spell works, and that when Spike gets back this whole fiasco is over.

”It will work. Don’t worry.” Andrew assures me as he gathers his books and supplies off my bedroom floor.

“I hope so. This whole insane mess is starting to wear on me. I’m not sure I can take another minute of it,” I return with a heavy sigh.

Andrew leans down and gives me a reassuring hug. I don’t care what Buffy thinks of him, he’s a good guy; a nice guy who also happens to be a good friend.

“Thanks,” I say as he moves away from me.

I get the feeling he wants to say something, but is holding back.

“What?” I ask.

”Be honest with him….he deserves that much.”

And with that Andrew quietly left, my room, my house and I’m guessing my life. I have a really bad feeling I took away something he wanted. I owe him for this one, I can only hope one day he’ll let me repay him.
spike_survives From: spike_survives Date: September 5th, 2006 06:06 pm (UTC) (Link)
I keep running through unfamiliar streets. Feels like a bad dream, but I know it's not. It's real. Buffy was right. I carry her words with me every day, "it's not love. I could never trust you enough for it to become that".

She's right, damn her. I'm not to be trusted. I've known Dawn since she was thirteen. Or eleven, if I count the fake memories. And now... I stop running. I lean against a wall, fighting the need to throw up again. I remember the dream far too well. I felt her skin under my fingers. I can remember the feel of her nipples in my mouth. The feel of her tongue swirling around mine. Too real. Too fucking real! Did I... God, did I touch her? I double over and throw up again.

I look around. It's useless. I have no idea where I am, how far I ran. I wipe my mouth and approach a newspaper vendor.

"Where is the nearest cemetery?"

The guy looks at me funny. I try to look as non-insane as it's possible under the bruises, cuts, and possible blood stains around my mouth. He gives me directions. Seems pretty far.

I consider stealing a car. No. The running will do me good. I race sunrise to get there. I make it just in time to beat the reddish rays of the sun. Always knew that dawn could kill me.

The first suitable crypt I find is, of course, occupied. I take care of that in no time. The action does me a world of good. Every punch I throw, every time my fists connects with the other vampire's face or body, serves to alleviate the tension in me.

Not enough. Not nearly enough. Flashes of what I fervently hope was a dream keep popping out in my mind. It soon goes further than the dream. Not just holding little Dawnie on my knees. Not just kissing her sweet little mouth or her perky little tits. Not just my fingers in her tight little cunny. Images of Dawn, completely naked on the couch. Sensations of her skin under my own nakedness. I start hitting the walls when the sensation of sliding into her comes in my mind, vividly, painfully real. I'm hard and yearning for the completion of this memory.

I feel the skin tearing on my knuckles, feel the bones breaking, pain doing nothing to quench my need.

Dawnie...

Oh, God, what's happening to me? What have I done?

The crypt door is closed. Outside is already daylight. I can smell it. As clearly as I smell my own blood smeared on the walls. I'd take burning in the sight of the sun to a stake through the heart. All I have to do is open the door and step into the light.
From: auburnhaze1 Date: September 5th, 2006 06:25 pm (UTC) (Link)
I climb into my bed and pull the comforter up around my chin as the sun starts to pour in through my bedroom window. Spike hasn’t come back yet and I know he won’t, at least until the sun slides behind the moon once more.

I’ve driven him off in my attempts to make things right. I can only hope that entrusting Andrew was the right thing to do, and he did not, for whatever reason, lead me astray. If Spike did not or could not find shelter during these daylight hours, I will forever hold myself responsible for his demise.

A single tear slides down my cheek as I stare out the window at the morning sun. My life without him in it wouldn’t be much of one at all. I can’t even begin to fathom, it’s too painful to try.

I contemplate Andrew’s last words to me.

”Be honest with him….he deserves that much.”

He’s right and I know it, but actually admitting as much to Spike….I’m not sure I can. How could he ever forgive such a transgression? But, could I live with myself if I keep the truth from him?

A cool morning breeze sways the curtains, and there are birds chirping happily in the tree right outside my window. I continue to stare blankly, not knowing what will happen if Spike doesn’t come back.
spike_survives From: spike_survives Date: September 5th, 2006 07:20 pm (UTC) (Link)
I want her so bad. I want her with the same dark, consuming passion I felt for her sister. What's wrong with me? I thought that loving Buffy took everything I had left. Every last shred of humanity. But that was before the soul. Once I got my soul back, it's like having a spring of emotions that will never run dry. There will be no last love until I'm dust.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

The only way to get peace is that last walk into sunlight. The peace I thought I found on the island was a lie. Look at me! Close to the Slayer's blood, I went out of my mind. Attacked her sister. Like I attacked her. I remember pulling Dawn out of the bathtub. I remember pushing her to the bathroom floor. I remember her trying to push me away. I remember her begging me to answer the cell. I remember her running away and closing herself in her room.

What have I done? Christ, what have I done?

I pace mindlessly around the crypt. Dawnie. I'm sorry, Dawnie. What have I done?

I press my hands over the crucifixes carved in the walls. I let them burn into my flesh. Like stigmata. I try to gather my thoughts. Am I the animal I think I am? If I am, the best thing I can do is open the damn door and walk out.

I should leave her a letter. I should let her know that I'm sorry. That I love her.

I have no pen or paper. I have blood. I dip my index into the cuts. I have no effulgent words anymore. I only write what I feel.

I'M SORRY FOR WHAT I DID. I LOVE YOU. PLEASE, FORGIVE ME, DAWN.

With that, I walk to the door. Beyond it, lies my peace.
From: auburnhaze1 Date: September 5th, 2006 07:42 pm (UTC) (Link)
As the day wears on, I start to worry, finally pushing myself out of bed, I drag an old spell book from my shelf. This book I can trust; unlike the other unruly thing that turned my life upside down in a flash.

Sitting cross-legged on the floor beside my bed, I hold my crystal out over a map of the city and read from my trusty tomb. Within moments, I get a bead on where Spike is…one of the many cemeteries in town.

I need to talk to him, tell him the truth. The weight of this deception has hung on me far too long and I need to clear the air. I need to be able to breathe again.

It takes longer than I would like to speed across town. The beautiful weather has brought out every man, woman, and child, lazily puttering their way through the city. I’ve never been known to have patience while driving and in my already agitated state, I’m ready to blow.

Finally after what seems like half the day I pull into ‘Sunnyrest’…I cringe at the name, do they have one of these in *every* town? Shaking off the old memories, I make my way towards the large crypts standing proudly in the middle of the grounds. Thankfully, I only have five to pick from; at least one difference from the ‘Sunnyrest’ of old.

With stake in hand, I begin to peek inside each crypt. I figure there may be more than just the vampire I’m looking for hiding away inside these things. A girl can never be too safe.

I toss the stake away when I get to the last one. For being on top of a hellmouth; Cleveland sure has nothing on Sunnydale, not a single vampire inside the other four crypts.

Whatever, better for me.

I grab for the handle of the last crypt door when to my surprise it flies open in front of me.

“Spike,” I mouth breathlessly.

I think I’ve stunned him; he’s like in shock or something because he just stands there, open-mouthed and sadness in his eyes.

“I’m sorry, this is all my fault. I’ve been making you forget, but I don’t want you to any more. I want you to remember. I love you Spike and I know you feel the same and I don’t want you to forget me, or what we’ve shared. I’m sorry and I know you hate me, but please….please give me a chance to explain,” I plead in that rambling way I have.
spike_survives From: spike_survives Date: September 5th, 2006 08:07 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm wrong. Beyond the door, lies torment, not peace.

Dawn stands in front of the door I just yanked open. She flinches when she sees me and I feel like I'm crumbing to dust in front of her cerulean gaze. I can't bring myself to tell her I am sorry. I want to fall to my knees in front of her. I want to run back in the safe darkness of the crypt.

I stand like an idiot, staring at her. I love her so much. How could I have done... When I hear my name coming out of her perfect, angelic mouth I feel I'm dying all over again. My chosen name should sound strike fear at its mere enunciation, not sound like a lover's kiss.

She starts talking. I understand some of she's saying. She apologizes to me? She loves me?

I reach out to pull her inside. She evades my grasp. Sun rays touch my hand, causing it to sizzle and start burning. Same way it did when Buffy held it before I burnt into the Hellmouth. It doesn't feel like salvation now. It feels like divine punishment for daring to touch the dawn.

"Explain what?" I ask in a whisper, hoarse from all the anguished yelling and crying I've done until now.
From: auburnhaze1 Date: September 5th, 2006 08:25 pm (UTC) (Link)
He reaches out to pull me into his darkness and I can’t…not yet. He needs to listen; to hear everything I have to say. It’s only fair.

“You have to listen to me Spike. This is all my fault. The spell that came from that book you sent me after….it gave me control over the dead…over you. Every time I started to daydream about you, how I wanted you, the ways I wanted you….they overtook your mind. The things you did to me are the things I *wanted* you to do…every last one of them,” I explain tearfully.

I take a timid step towards the door, closer to my love but still just out of his reach.

“I’ve loved you since that summer Buffy died. I’ve craved you more and more over the years and finally, when we get to spend some time together I go and screw it all up with the major mind-fuck job I’ve been giving you. I don’t want to control you Spike, I just want to love you….I want you to love me.”

I dare to inch my way closer, praying to whatever powers will listen that Spike can forgive me for what I’ve done to him.

“Spike?”
spike_survives From: spike_survives Date: September 5th, 2006 09:22 pm (UTC) (Link)
The fog begins to lift from my mind. The more she talks, the more it makes sense. I didn't hurt her. That is the only comfort I can take from her words.

"Spike?"

"I did love you," I say before lounging at her.

This time I don't miss. I grab her arm. My grip must be painful as I pull her inside the crypt roughly. I slam the door shut, lift a heavy marble slab and hurl it against it, sealing the exit. I'm not the strongest vampire in town, but I'm really pissed off now.

I can screw up everything, but one thing I have always got right was surviving. Her game almost took that from me.

I'm not sure what I want to do to her, but it's nothing good.

"What the hell were you thinking, little girl? That I make a nice string puppet?"

I can smell fear coming in wafts off her. Good. I grab her shoulders, making sure my fingers dig deep into her flesh. My hands hurt where I managed to break the bones by hitting the walls. I can see my blood already dried over the cuts. I want to smell her blood. I press my fingers deeper into the skin, breaking it. Ten half moon shaped cuts show clearly on her alabaster skin when I take my hands off her. I sniff the air.

"This is not love, pet. Take it from me. Your sister made sure I learned this much. There is no love without trust. I don't trust you anymore."

I bend my head to lick the blood tricking from my marks.

"Not sure I can trust myself right now," I tell her, grazing her skin with my teeth.

I am too close to changing into game face. What she did to me, knowing so well what was done to me before, by the Initiative, by the First... Not even her girlish crush on me can make me forgive her. Maybe in time. If I manage not to suck her dry right now.

I spin her around, so she's facing my farewell note. I change into game face. I brush her beautiful auburn hair aside, baring her shoulder and one side of her neck. I put my arms around her waist. I move closer, until my front is glued to her back. I feel her trembling in my arms. I hear her heart beating like crazy. She's not pulling away. She's not begging me to stop. And not because she trusts me. The smell of her fear is heavy all around us.

I lower my head. My fangs graze her skin. I manage to stop before sinking them in her neck. I think it’s her attitude that stops me. She shouldn't go quietly into the night. My baby girl should not embrace death so willingly. I remember the shadows I saw hanging around her ever since I returned. Before the damn book turned her into the puppet master.

I push her violently into the wall, with her face into my words written in blood. I shove the slab from the doorway and run into the light with my duster over my head.

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