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Spike/Dawn - Game 1 - Post 12 - Holding On To Forever
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auburnhaze1
Spike/Dawn - Game 1 - Post 12
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~~~~~



"I did love you."

My heart feels like it’s going to beat out of my chest with that admission. Words I’ve waited much too long to hear. But I have little time to consider them as Spike lunges for me, grabbing me hard and yanking me inside the crypt. At first I’m relieved, but the manner in which he’s turned to treating me has me a little scared. I knew he would be mad but….

"What the hell were you thinking, little girl? That I make a nice string puppet?"

I want to scream NO! But the words just won’t come. Like it would make one ounce of difference that I didn’t *mean* to play with his mind like I did. That it was an accident in the beginning and at the end…well, it was just my emotions completely out of control.

His fingernails dig into me and I’m caught between pleasure and pain.

"This is not love, pet. Take it from me. Your sister made sure I learned this much. There is no love without trust. I don't trust you anymore."

Now the pain is flowing through my veins. He doesn’t trust me….

Suddenly I’m turned facing a wall splattered with Spike’s blood. A note to me in red. I read it over, and over again in my head, the fear that I should be feeling for myself is replaced with the fear I have for Spike. What have I done to him? What was he going to do? Oh gods….

I can feel his fangs scrap against my neck and I’m silently pleading for him just to do it. Take a little or fucking take it all, I don’t care anymore. If that’s the only way he’ll have me then I will freely give my body to him.

Without warning, my body slams hard into the stone wall, dazed I turn to see Spike running out into the sun. He’s shielding himself with his duster, but I fear dust is what he will become. I lean back against the bloody crypt wall and cry. I’ve lost the only thing I really wanted.
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spike_survives From: spike_survives Date: September 6th, 2006 04:47 pm (UTC) (Link)
I have no qualms about breaking into a car this time. I fill the interior with smoke by the time I find an underground parking lot where to wait out the day. When I do find it, I lie back on the seat and start thinking.

I'm in the worst possible spot. I don't know what's real. I love her. I also hate her. I loved her before I got my soul back. Loved her like a sister, like a daughter. I'm so stupid! She's Buffy's carbon copy. How could I have ever trust her?

She said she loved me... She loved me since that summer... She loved me when all I could see was Buffy. When I ignored her. When I was the mad monster in the basement.

I remember everything that happened for the past few days. I remember the passion. The abandonment. The fire. It felt so good. So damn perfect. Every touch was like heaven. But would it feel the same if I'm not under the spell? Do I love her... that way? I think I do. But would it feel the same, with my libido in the driver's seat, not hers?

Can she want me like this? I think maybe the monks made her from my blood rather than Buffy's. I burned like this for the Slayer. I still feel I'm burning. Now that the memories are restored in full, I don't know what to think.

I know what I want, though. I want release. I want to come, deep inside her. I want to take her in every fucking way I can imagine. I want to punish her for what she did. I want to worship her for what she made me feel.

I feel a twinge of the old responsibility. I left her alone in a crypt. I ran out of the house without my cell phone. I get out of the car and look around for a public phone. I dial her number. She picks up. I hang up. She's still alive, and, if she can answer her cell, still safe.

I think I'll leave town tonight. I shouldn’t take advantage of her teen crush. It's not my fault she didn't get over it. No one's been around to help me when my heart got smashed to pieces.

But I do love her. Like I always have. I don't want her do something stupid, like I almost did. So, I pick up the phone again, and dial her number. I pause for so long when she picks up, asking who's there. When she says my name, with so much sweetness, sadness and guilt, I nearly break.

"I'm not mad at you. Go home."

I don't listen to her. I almost slam the receiver. But I can't help one last admission.

"I do love you, Nibblet."
From: auburnhaze1 Date: September 6th, 2006 06:35 pm (UTC) (Link)

An excruciatingly painful amount of time passes since Spike ran out of the crypt until my cell phone rings. I’m sitting on a stone bench in the middle of the cemetery. I flip my phone open.

“Hello?”

There is a pause, no words and then dial tone. I wait impatiently for the next ring.

“Hello? Who’s there? Spike?”

There is another short pause.

"I'm not mad at you. Go home."

I sigh in relief as he speaks to me, telling me he isn’t mad.

“Spike…Spike…listen I’m sorry. I love you….I….”

He cuts me off mid-sentence. I’m not even sure he was listening to begin with.

"I do love you, Nibblet."

“I love you too, Spike. Please…please talk to me. I just want to….”

Dial tone once more.

A single tear streaks down my face. Resigned to the hell I’ve built for myself, I trudge back to my car to head home. Wherever Spike is, it’s away from me, and apparently that’s how he wants it.
spike_survives From: spike_survives Date: September 7th, 2006 04:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
I am so weak. I still love her.

She has done to me the last thing I consider unforgivable. I remember telling her I could stand some - I shiver, I had actually used the term - "mind-fucking".

I'm worried about her. I'm stuck in this hole until sundown. If she hasn't left the graveyard, she might be in danger.

I only have one person I can call. No freaking way! Besides, I don't know his number by heart. I pace around the empty garage, calling the Summers residence every few minutes.

In between the unanswered calls, I tried to think everything through. She loves me. If anything, her actions showed it beyond reasonable doubt, beyond reason. Dawnie would have never done this if it weren't out of her ability to contain it.

I can go either way from this conclusion. I can take advantage of her feelings, like Buffy had done with me. This is what I want to do. What it felt like to be skin to skin with her for the past few days promised that fucking her would more than make up for my scruples.

I am so stupid. I loved her like a sister for too long.

I can't ruin this for sex. Not even for fantastic, skin burning, brain melting sex.

The remnants of what I once could call my mind are made up. I'll stick around. I'll skulk around, watch her from the shadows until Buffy gets back and I'm released from guardian duty. One thing I can't afford is to be close to her. I'm out of anger. I'm afraid that I might yield to the temptation of taking the easy way, the pleasurable and immoral way.
From: auburnhaze1 Date: September 7th, 2006 07:06 pm (UTC) (Link)
I take my time driving back home, not like I have anything to go back to anyway.

I want him desperately, but I fear I’ve drove him away with my carelessness.

Pulling into my driveway, I slowly turn the ignition off and climb out of the car. The sun is starting to set and I know that wherever he is, he will out and about soon. Probably running far, far away from me.

As I unlock the front door and walk inside, I’m greeted by the telephone ringing. I rush to answer.

“Spike? Spike is that you? Gods please say something!”
spike_survives From: spike_survives Date: September 7th, 2006 07:18 pm (UTC) (Link)
"Settle down. What if it was your sister? Wouldn't want the Slayer knowing about what happened, would we?"

My tone doesn't show the relief I feel that she's home, and she's safe. I hope that the mention of her sister will keep her from doing anything silly.

"Maybe you should call Andrew to stay with you."

I want her to say yes as much as I want her to stay no. I want her scared as much as I want to keep her safe. I'll do my skulking in the shadows routine. Hell knows I have practice at it.
From: auburnhaze1 Date: September 7th, 2006 07:35 pm (UTC) (Link)
"Settle down. What if it was your sister? Wouldn't want the Slayer knowing about what happened, would we?"

I roll my eyes at that. Of course he would *have* to bring Buffy into this wouldn’t he?

“Just come back to the house so we can talk,” I plead.

"Maybe you should call Andrew to stay with you."

He doesn’t answer me, but tries to avoid my suggestion all together. I’m ready to start stomping my feet and screaming at this point but I don’t think it would have the same affect on Spike as it used to on Mom. I’m guessing he’ll just hang up if I go that route.

“I don’t want to talk to Andrew, I want to talk to you,” I try again.

Silence fills the airways between us.

“Spike?”
spike_survives From: spike_survives Date: September 7th, 2006 07:52 pm (UTC) (Link)
Talking is probably not one of the things I'd do if I went back.

"Can't talk to you right now. You're grown up. Just don't open that book again, and stay out of trouble."

Why can't I put the phone down?
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