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Spike/Dawn - game 1 - Post 13 - Holding On To Forever
holding_forever
auburnhaze1
Spike/Dawn - game 1 - Post 13


Tears well in my eyes. I’m losing this fight and it’s killing me inside.

“Don’t do this to me, please Spike….please come home so we can talk….I need you.”

Begging probably isn’t the most fashionable thing to do, but I’m out of options. I’ve loved this man…vampire…whatever for so long now and I can’t just give that up and forget about it. I can’t let him go without knowing how I feel, and how fucking sorry I am for what I’ve done. I didn’t mean to, and most times, I couldn’t even help it. On some level, he has to understand that.

I wait. He doesn’t say anything, but doesn’t hang up the phone either.

“Please baby….”

I try again.
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spike_survives From: spike_survives Date: September 11th, 2006 04:27 pm (UTC) (Link)
I feed on her voice like it's blood. I get high on her pain and need.

Little Dawnie might not have super powers like her sister, or the hold on me the damn spell had given her, but she's using everything else. I'm trying to get hold of some anger to help me fight the temptation, but all I find inside is concern, love... lust. I'm beginning to forget all the reasons against going home. Going where I'm needed.

The old love triumphs at last. I shouldn't go until I'm sure I love her back, because it wouldn't be fair to her. Fucking her in my current state of mind would be more cruel than what I'm about to do. I grip the receiver so tightly that it begins to crack in my hand as I talk.

"Stay in the house and don't do anything stupid."

The receiver smashes to pieces when I slam it back.

I love you. I need you, too. All I want right now is to be next to you. Rip your clothes off and have my way with you until I'm too tired to move.

If I go to her, I'll turn her, and keep her forever. She might think it's romantic. I tend to agree, but I'm not the soulless creature my sire was. There's more to this than getting a playmate. A beautiful, innocent looking girl that would never age and never leave me.

I shake my head, hoping that the time I have until the sun sets will help me get some control over myself. All I have to do is watch her, keep her out of trouble, without her knowing I'm around. Keep my distance. Watch from afar. Look, but not touch.

This is not going to work! As soon as I get out if here tonight, I'll find a way to call Buffy to find out how soon is she coming back!
From: auburnhaze1 Date: September 13th, 2006 02:42 pm (UTC) (Link)
"Stay in the house and don't do anything stupid." He says it with reserved anger.

Then there’s dial tone…nothing, no more Spike.

I fall to the floor cradling the phone in my hands. I know he isn’t coming. I’ve chased away the only person who could save me.

The tears flow like rivers down my cheeks and I’m powerless to stop them. It is my curse in life I guess, my destiny, to ruin everything I touch, and I’ve had just about enough of those damn monk’s screwed up sense of humor.

I’m done.

Finished with this insaneness that is my life, my fucking made up life at that.

“Screw it!” I scream.

Pulling myself up off the floor, I force myself to the stairs. I know what needs to be done. I can’t live like this anymore. It’s too painful.

I feel like I’m climbing a mountain, taking one-step at a time. The pain in my heart grows deeper with each forced movement. I don’t know if takes me two minutes or two hours, but I finally reach my destination.

I step inside the bathroom and lock the door behind me. I want no interruptions.

Peeling off each piece of clothing feels like skin being torn from my body. The pain is imaginary, my heart breaking each time I realize it’s me doing the work and not the man I had pictured a thousand times in my dreams disrobing me. I fold each article of clothing in some sick sense of duty. One less thing to be cleaned up afterwards.

I climb inside the cold ceramic bath and lye down, I shiver involuntarily. My movements are zombie like and now out of my conscious control. I feel like I’m in some sort of weird dream state, like my actions aren’t my own, but they are. This is what I want.

I reach for the disposable razor sitting neatly in its holder. I smash the plastic hard against the wall, breaking it into several pieces. I only need one of them.

“Goodbye,” I say aloud to no one.

I’m alone, but aren’t I always?
spike_survives From: spike_survives Date: September 13th, 2006 04:47 pm (UTC) (Link)
A car screeches to a halt next to me. I'm about to say something about the safe driving speed in a garage when the passenger door is slamms open and a blanket comes flying out.

"Get in the car right now, you great big idiot!"

"Oy, who the sodding..." I start cursing when I realize I know the voice.

I'm about to throw the blanket back in Celestine's face.

"Your girl is in trouble. Get the hell in!" she yells at me again.

"Dawn."

The name comes out like a whisper. I can see vague signs of relief on her face at my response. I put the blanket around me as best I can before climbing in the car.

"Do you have any idea where she is now?"

"Hey, how do you know that she's in trouble if you don't know where she is?" I ask pulling the blanket off, ready to jump out of the car before it leaves the garage.

"Because her life ends before sundown today."

"She's at home," I say immediately giving her directions on how to get to the Summers residence.

I don't doubt her words now. If I was ready to die for hurting her, I don't see why she wouldn't do the same for the same reason. I know I hurt her. God, I should've been kinder. It's not like I didn't know the intensity of her feelings from the inside.

"I got a lot of information out of that top you brought me, and you'll get an earful. Once she's safe. I tried to track her directly, but she's human now, and I couldn't. I could track you though, because you're a demon."

Celestine keeps talking while she drives. I can hear the nervous edge in her voice. I can smell her fear. It makes me start rocking in my seat like a child in distress. She thinks we're going to be too late.

As soon as we're in front of the house, I bolt out of the car, burst through the front door filling the hallway with splinters and smoke.

"DAAWN!!" I bellow, utterly filled with fear.

I try to steady myself and hear her. I could hear the gust of wind moving the curtains, I can hear the ticking of several clocks in different parts of the house. I can smell her. I can smell the blood and I follow the scent to the upstairs bathroom.

This time the door is locked, not just closed as it had been only a few hours before. I break it open without much effort, ready for the sight waiting for me on the other side.

The smell of fresh blood dizzies me a little, but there's something else rising inside me, stronger than the monster. I'd think it's the inner guardian angel, if I'd ever use that word. Whatever it is, I'm no longer panicked. I know exactly what needs to be done.

I rush to Dawn, sweep her in my arms out of the water. I can still hear her heart. She's just passed out. I take a quick look around and judge that she hasn't lost enough blood to be truly in danger.

I take her to her room, lay her on the bed, naked and bleeding and tear apart some clothes, using the strips of fabric as tourniquets.

I caress her forehead with one hand, using another piece of fabric to wipe the blood off her wet skin with the other hand. I muter soft words she can't possibly hear. I think I do it more for my sake than for hers. I started to shake. The fear coming back to grip my dead heart.

"I've got you, love. Spike's here now. You'll be right as rain in no time."

"Yes, I think she will."

I turn my head to see Celestine standing in the doorway to Dawn's room.

"Thank you, Madame de Montrachet. Coming from me may not believe it, but you'll have my gratitude forever. You can go home now. I'll come over to pay you later."

"I believe you, Mr. Spike, but I'll stay. What I have to tell you, she'd better hear it too. I'll wait for her to wake up."

I scowl at her, but before I can say anything, I feel Dawn stirring.

"It's all right. You're safe now. Not gonna let anything happen to you."
From: auburnhaze1 Date: September 13th, 2006 06:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
The last thing I remember clearly is saying goodbye, everything after that is a foggy haze. It isn’t until I hear Spike’s voice at the edges of my consciousness that I realize I’m no longer in the tub dieing.

“Goddamn you,” I force out.

My eyes are still heavy from the loss of blood but I can see him through their slits. He’s hovering over me in that caring way he has. But he doesn’t care, not like I want him to and if he doesn’t want to care about me like that then I don’t want him to care at all.

"It's all right. You're safe now. Not gonna let anything happen to you."

He says it like he’s my savior, as if just because he’s here my life is suddenly fine again.

“Go. Away.” I bite out the best I can.

I’m willing my body to turn away from him, but the weakness surrounding my muscles won’t allow it to abide my commands.

If he thinks we can kiss and make up, just like that, he’s sorely mistaken. I’m done with this life and nothing he can say or do will change that.

My body may not respond as a whole, but I can manage to turn my head. I can’t stand to have him in my site, it hurts too much; seeing what will never be mine.
spike_survives From: spike_survives Date: September 13th, 2006 06:57 pm (UTC) (Link)
She's coming around. She's mad at me, of course. She doesn't want to see me. Where was this attitude half an hour ago when she slashed her wrists?

I grit my teeth and undo the tourniquets. She's still naked. I hadn't covered her yet, and she's still too weak to do it herself. Her skin is still wet. The smell of fresh blood assaults my senses. I don't know what I'd do to her if Celestine weren't still in the room.

I lean over her to get a corner of the blanket to pull over her body. I'd like to kiss her forehead, like I used to. Big brother like. But I want too many other things to allow myself to do that.

"Can't leave now. I kind of smashed the front door," I tell her.

I help her sit up against the pillows, tuck the blanket around her as best I can.

"Besides, there's someone here who needs to talk to us," I add, moving away from the bed.
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